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Today’s topic is struggles or obstacles that we’ve faced during our marriage.
This one seems a bit tricky for me. Although the first word that comes to mind is hormones. Of course Brent and I are extremely thankful for them, but figuratively speaking, they can be a bitch.
If you’ve been reading this blog since the beginning, you’ve read about our journey to becoming parents. I got off my birth control in February of 2008 and was diagnosed with PCOS and endometriosis in September of 2008. The months in between, we were not trying to get pregnant, but just coming to find out I had a crazy cycle not on birth control. In November, I had surgery, followed by birth control in December. Then, from January 2009 until June, I was in menopause. Thankfully, it was temporary and medically induced, but it wasn’t all too fun.
I blogged all throughout this process. Looking back, though I haven’t really read back in quite some time, I didn’t blog about mine and Brent’s relationship, but more-so the way I was handling the shots.
In July & August of 2009, I took birth control. In October 2009, I became pregnant with Cohen. Ehh, seeing that post will never get easier. So basically that year didn’t seem to last long, but it did. Looking back now, it seems like it was five years in between getting diagnosed and becoming pregnant. I think the one good thing that came with having to do the shots from Jan-May (they wore off in Jun) was that I knew we couldn’t become pregnant. It took the monthly guessing out, but it still made me wonder if I would ever get pregnant and it made me anxious.
For Brent, what I think he saw was a basket case. I was irritable and just blah. I felt like I wasn’t in my own skin. I was 25 and in menopause and I didn’t feel right.
It took explaining to Brent…and apologizing. Sorry I snapped; sorry I’m irritable; sorry and please forgive me; sorry it’s 15 degrees in our house. It was hard for him. I’m pretty sure we both thought I was a different person and wondering if that person would stick around.
So fast forward and BAM, pregnancy hormones hit! I was SO happy we were having a baby but I was the girl that would cry watching commercials, haha. Fast forward some more to 4 1/2 months pregnant when we found out about Cohen’s heart and BAM, distraught.
Up until that point, it seemed like the things we had been dealing with for two years were a piece of cake. Then, I definitely wasn’t me. I was a hormonal mess and I was so sad.
It was the immediate wondering if we had done something wrong and what could have caused Cohen’s heart to be broken. Thankfully, I think we fully believed doctors after about a month of them telling us that we did nothing to cause this.
That paragraph was kind of hard to write, too.
For the second half of my pregnancy, I don’t felt like we sat down. We were traveling to doctors and we were putting our house up for sale. We were preparing to move into a house that we would never move into. I wasn’t putting a nursery together and it wasn’t fair.
Looking back, I know why God didn’t have us get a nursery ready. I’m thankful for that. I did not like the second half of my pregnancy because the only thing I enjoyed was having Cohen in my belly. Everything else around me felt off.
Brent trucked right along. I knew he was doing things he didn’t want to be doing either. He always re-assured me that we were doing the right things. We were.
When Cohen passed away, I think Brent and I both could have shut down. In a sense, I think we did from the rest of the word and I was okay with that. We could just be and grieve as we needed to. I’m thankful that our hearts…and God…and Cohen told us that we wanted to continue to try to have more babies and to grow our family.
We always had each other to cry with. It wasn’t easy and there were lots of dark days. I could shut down in a second. And by shut down, I mean become a sobbing mess. I was able to do that, though, and I’m thankful that Brent never thought it was crazy.
I remember going to dinner for our anniversary the October after Cohen passed away and we both cried at the table. There we were supposed to be celebrating four years of marriage, but yet the biggest part of our fourth year of marriage…..our child, was gone.
It was just something that you never think about going into a relationship. We maybe to have to deal with some hard, hard stuff.
Two months later, we were pregnant with Knox & Sloane. It did ease the pain. God intended for it to happen that way. Of course He knew we wouldn’t, an won’t ever, forget Cohen, but he sent us to more angels to love.
Hormonal. Repeat. HA! So, back to hormonal Megan, who stuck around a long time because she nursed for a while.
Of course things aren’t going to be easy when you go from having no baby at home to having two babies at home. HOWEVER, we felt so blessed. Those were crazy days. The first two weeks the twins were home do seem like a blur. Brent and I both were worried we were doing it wrong. We were going to the ER thinking they were breathing funny. When people looked at us funny for being worried, I wanted to say, in a very smart-ass tone, “I’m sorry, our last baby died so I’m a bit paranoid right now.” Thankfully, that didn’t last long. I knew I couldn’t sit up 24 hours making sure they were breathing. I think my worry was making Brent worry, for all of us, and it was overwhelming. I prayed and it did get better. I felt more comfortable with what I was doing and I determined I had to trust God’s plan with these babies just as I had to with Cohen. Laura, from Moms On Call, also came in and assured us that we were doing everything so right and gave us great tips for twins.
We each had a baby to hold.
Thankfully, Brent was home almost around the clock with the babies and I for two months as he was in the process of changing jobs.
Fast forward ten months and I stop nursing. Four months later, I was diagnosed with Celiac Disease. The four months after I stopped nursing were also a battle. Something wasn’t right and I was irritable, exhausted, nauseous…and the list goes on. I felt 100% fine when I was nursing. I finally told Brent I was going to the doctor and I’m pretty sure he agreed that it was time. Thankfully that seems to be a non-issue now.
I think we are finally in a place of calm. Of COURSE there are hard times. We have struggles with balancing out life. I think that will always be a learning process. We want to improve on a lot of things in our marriage and we’ve been focused on so much in the past few years, I think it’s kind of taken a back burner. I feel like we’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster in life for the past 4 1/2 years. It’s been up and down and it’s moved fast.
I do feel abundantly blessed that God picked Brent for me. He is a great husband and great father. He’s always here for us and he provides for us. He works hard whether at work or at home. I’m also thankful he didn’t give up on me and my hormones 🙂