I look at this picture and it is how I remember him. Perfect. He was perfect on the outside. Although, this picture is edited. His skin was torn and raw from having the tape on it to hold in the tubes and cords.
When I look at the unedited pictures, it makes me think how bad it hurt to see him sick. It makes me think about the prayers I prayed for healing.
It makes me think about how those prayers were answered even though it didn't mean he would be here with us when he was healed.
Sometimes I dream about his last day in the hospital and sometimes I intentionally think about it. It really does give me a million emotions. I think about leaving the hospital without him. I think about when Brent told me he wasn't going to make it. I think about how we knew. We knew would had to say goodbye. We knew we had just hours left with him. I think about how we held him as he left this life.
June 18th is obviously a date that will always stick with me.
This little hand let go of me :(
It's one of those dates we never expected to happen before becoming pregnant with Cohen.
It's a date too close to when he was born.
It's a date too close to Father's Day.
It's a date that hurt really, really bad.
It was still a day of healing for Cohen and that's what matters. That's what I prayed for.
I know he had a wonderful birthday. I know he is thankful Brent had a good Father's Day yesterday. I know he is thankful that we are happier than we've ever been. I know he is thankful for Knox & Sloane, too.
I'm still going to post more about our trip to Dallas and Children's Medical Center, on his birthday this year. On Saturday, I posted some news links to the iPod Donation. Part of Cohen will always be at Children's and forever in our hearts.
I am sitting here, in Idaho, with tears in my eyes...
ReplyDeleteyou are a beautiful woman. I mean that in the innermost sense of the word. To grasp that your prayers were answered is so rare... All around touching post. Thank you for being so raw and revealing...
I remember reading your post last year as I was in the hospital holding my newborn that I had on the 19th. It broke my heart and I cried while I held my new daughter. I can't imagine the pain you were feeling. I just wanted you to know that your story made me hold my baby a little tighter. Praying for your family today.
ReplyDeletelove and prayers to you guys today xoxo
ReplyDeleteI can only imagine the emotions today brings for you and your husband. Praying for strength for you both today. Hold onto Knox and Sloane tight today knowing that their brother loves them and you unconditionally. I have no doubt he smiles down on you all each day knowing that your days are blessed and that he is always remembered.
ReplyDeletePraying for you on this difficult day!!
ReplyDeletethinking of you today Megan!
ReplyDeleteI will never forget how heavy my heart was for you that day. I'm so glad that you have been able to heal, while of course never forgetting. My thoughts and prayers are with you today.. and I really mean that!
ReplyDeleteHugs!
What a beautiful post, Megan! Praying for your hearts today!
ReplyDeleteCathie
I don't comment very often but please know you are all in my prayers during this difficult day. I hope that June 18th can be a day of healing for you all too.
ReplyDeleteKate
I'm sorry, Megan.
ReplyDeleteI hope you feel his angel eyes looking down at you today Momma. He is proud to have such amazing parents, and the cutest lil sister and brother.
ReplyDeleteHugs my friend
I know today must be a hard day, praying for you sweet friend!!
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and your family today, and sending a special prayer up to Cohen to watch over you all!
ReplyDeleteMegan, my heart goes out to you on this unforgettable day. I am praying for all of you to feel the comfort from our Lord and know that Cohen is in the best of hands. With much love, Melissa
ReplyDeleteI remember that day so well too just from reading your blog I feel so close to you and your family. I can't imagine how you felt but I am so glad that you and your family can find happiness and I am SO GLAD that you both had k and s with you this year. Cohen looks so sweet in these pictures and I bet you can see him in his brother and sister
ReplyDeleteJust precious! Praying for you all today. You are such an amazing momma, I know that Cohen is proud to call you momma and share you with Knox and Sloan. Thanks for sharing xoxo
ReplyDeleteThinking of you today!
ReplyDeleteMy thoughts and prayers are with you and your family today. He was such a beautiful boy.
ReplyDeletelove to all of y'all today.. and a big virtual hug since i can't be there.
ReplyDeleteMegan, prayers for you and your husband, especially today! I absolutely love reading your blog and seeing pictures of the most adorable babies! I come to your blog when I'm tired or discouraged, and I am lifted up.
ReplyDeleteToday, I ask that you remember friends of mine who lost their 31-yr.-old daughter in a senseless murder a few days ago. Her funeral is today. She was mother to three precious children and pregnant with her fourth. Her name was Sarah. Please pray for her husband and children and parents. I hope you don't mind my mentioning that here. My heart just aches for them all today.
Suzanne
Sending prayers your way. You are an amazing momma to all three of your beautiful, perfect children.
ReplyDeleteThis post made me tear up. When this actually happened 2 years ago, I remember feeling extremely sad for you and your husband, but I really didn't understand how devastating it must have been/still is until I had my own son about a year later. You are both so incredibly strong and I honestly don't know if I'd be able to handle it the way you both have. Praying for your family today.
ReplyDeleteOh Megan, these pics bring up so much emotion in me. That precious boy is SO blessed to have you for parents. How awesome to know that one day you will be reunited with that sweet little guy! Hugs!
ReplyDeletebeautiful post for a beautiful baby boy. i pray for strength and comfort for you and brent on this day, in particular, and all others.
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes out to y'all today, Megan. Saying prayers for you and the rest of your family.
ReplyDeleteMy heart hurts for you. That was a lovely post in spite of the tears it caused.
ReplyDeleteYou and your family are so strong. Thinking of you today!
ReplyDeletesending thoughts and prayers your way on this difficult day.
ReplyDeleteSo much love for you and your family from my little family in Ohio today! xo
ReplyDeleteI have read your blog for a while now and have followed your incredibly painful, yet blessed journey. I wanted to be sure to stop by today and let you know that I am sending love and prayers to your family on this difficult day. I cannot pretend to imagine the emotions you are feeling today, but know that you are held tenderly in the thoughts of so many b/c you have so bravely and beautifully shared your story. Cohen's story. It has been a gift to ALL of us. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteHappy 2nd Heaven Day, sweet Cohen! Thinking about your Mommy & Daddy today as I know their hearts are aching to hold you again.
ReplyDeleteYou have such a sweet spirit, and I am so thankful that you continue to share your heart with us. I love what you said about the prayers being answered. We have been on a series about prayer in church, and recently, I have been seeing tons of posts about it as well. You are so right - the Lord did answer your prayers, and y'all have blessed all of us so much. Lots of prayers for you today!
ReplyDeletePraying for you today!
ReplyDeleteSuch a sweet post. Breaks my heart but he's in such a better place.
ReplyDeleteI am praying the peace of Christ overwhelms you when you need it the most. And that the promise of seeing Cohen again carries you though this life.
ReplyDeleteThis still makes me cry so much too. You are so strong and such a beautiful example of a great mom. I will always be thinking about you guys in June. Love to you and brent and the twinkles too.
ReplyDeleteYou, Brent and your whole family are in my thoughts and prayers today. Your strength and faith are so inspiring. Cohen was/is blessed to have you both as parents.
ReplyDeleteYou are such a great mama! Sending you so many hugs and lots of love.
ReplyDeletePrayers going up for you! What a beautiful, heartfelt post. So touching! It brought tears to my eyes...I know this day is hard, I'm praying for strength & comfort. Blessings! :)
ReplyDeleteMegan,
ReplyDeleteI have to agree with so many others that left comments. You are beautiful, sweet, with such a kind spirit. Thank you for being genuine as you remember precious Cohen. God just shines through you and I only hope to have a sweet spirit like yours. Though Cohen is not here today, he is very much here in the lives he touched and in his siblings. I know his presence is there with you too!
Lots of hugs and prayers for you and Brent today :)
XOXO
Laura
I'm sorry I am just now commenting on this post. I thought about you all on the 18th and said some prayers of healing for your family. I love that you are able to remember and honor him through your blog.
ReplyDelete