Getting close…..

The first batch of Cohen’s iPods arrived today.

It reminded me Cohen’s second birthday is getting close. I can’t believe another year has already passed. It doesn’t seem like it’s been two years since we said hello…and goodbye. 

My stomach gets a knot when I read “In Loving Memory of….”, no matter whose name is under it, and to see our son’s name there still gives me a little lump in my throat. I’m not sure it will ever be easy. In fact now that I’m typing this and thinking about it, I have tears in my eyes. Sometimes I still can’t believe it. Sometimes I still can’t believe I have twins either. Sometimes I still can’t believe my heart feels so full after Cohen, but then I have moments it hurts so bad.

I have hopes that his second birthday will be easier than his first. His first really wasn’t too bad. Looking back, I was pregnant with Knox & Sloane on his first birthday and I know that was part of God’s plan. I know my heart would have hurt much worse had I not been. Being pregnant with them and having them now doesn’t make me feel differently about Cohen, but I think it keeps that gut wrenching pain from existing all the time. Now, it just pops up randomly, and thankfully, usually disappears quickly. Seeing Knox & Sloane often makes me wonder what Cohen would have looked like at their age or which one he would have acted like more. It makes me wonder if he were still here, would they be, too. Mostly, having them makes me thank God for such blessings. It makes me cherish each day. It makes thankful for the blissful moments with them and the hard moments with them. It gives me hope I will see Cohen again and one day, Knox & Sloane will as well.

I think Cohen will love Knox & Sloane blowing out a candle for him every year on his birthday :)


  1. says

    I cried as soon as I saw In Loving Memory Of…typing this I have tears and my throat has a lump in it! I have no idea what you went through, only by posts you wrote, but no idea literally. I can't imagine! My dear friend Katie, who lost Reese, went through so much, like you and not a day goes by she doesn't think of her, she has Colson now, which helps, but she still misses her girl always and forever as you will Cohen. I lost two pregnancies One at 12 weeks and one at 6 weeks and as I never had our precious babies they grew in my heart and they are in heaven forever. I like to think when we all meet up it will be a suprise for us and Kelcee to see if they were boys or girls. I often have wondered if I had had them would I had Kelcee as well?! I love our Kelcee to the moon and back as you love Cohen and Knox and Sloane! I think this is an awesome thing you are doing and so inspiring. As hard as it is on you, you are making a difference or others and keeping his name forever in everyone's memory and that is what a GREAT MOTHER DOES! I think it is awesome you will have them blow out a candle for him every year! Katie just had a butterfly release for Reese which I thought was amazing!

    Prayers for you today and always sweet girl

  2. says

    thats awesome. I love that you are keeping Cohen's spirit alive and giving back to the hospital. it will be great for families struggling with their babies in the NICU. its great you can leave a positive legacy there after so much heart ache. NOT that i need a thank you or praise for donating, not my intentions what. so. ever. I just wanted to know if you received it. the payment popped up on my account activity but it did not show up on my monthly statement. I know your time is extremely limited but I just wanted to see, if or when you have a chance to check to see if you received a monetary donation from Sorry to ask, I just want to make sure it went to the right place.

    In addition I wanted to know if I could buy one of Cohen's shirts? or could you send me the screen-print design mark up & I could make my own & donate more to Cohen's ipods?

    I know, I know I'm asking for tons, I completely understand if neither is possible. Thank you for being an inspiration and so real


  3. says

    What a wonderful way to remember your baby boy ! I just saw your story on the news in Austin and said " HEY I know that story ! " y'all are a remarkable couple.

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