The first batch of Cohen’s iPods arrived today.
It reminded me Cohen’s second birthday is getting close. I can’t believe another year has already passed. It doesn’t seem like it’s been two years since we said hello…and goodbye.
My stomach gets a knot when I read “In Loving Memory of….”, no matter whose name is under it, and to see our son’s name there still gives me a little lump in my throat. I’m not sure it will ever be easy. In fact now that I’m typing this and thinking about it, I have tears in my eyes. Sometimes I still can’t believe it. Sometimes I still can’t believe I have twins either. Sometimes I still can’t believe my heart feels so full after Cohen, but then I have moments it hurts so bad.
I have hopes that his second birthday will be easier than his first. His first really wasn’t too bad. Looking back, I was pregnant with Knox & Sloane on his first birthday and I know that was part of God’s plan. I know my heart would have hurt much worse had I not been. Being pregnant with them and having them now doesn’t make me feel differently about Cohen, but I think it keeps that gut wrenching pain from existing all the time. Now, it just pops up randomly, and thankfully, usually disappears quickly. Seeing Knox & Sloane often makes me wonder what Cohen would have looked like at their age or which one he would have acted like more. It makes me wonder if he were still here, would they be, too. Mostly, having them makes me thank God for such blessings. It makes me cherish each day. It makes thankful for the blissful moments with them and the hard moments with them. It gives me hope I will see Cohen again and one day, Knox & Sloane will as well.