Since I’ve been home from Dallas I’ve had a few people trying to get me out of the house. It took me a bit. I couldn’t get past that dreadful black dress search, or the fear of seeing people I wasn’t ready to talk to. No offense to anyone, and it wasn’t anyone in particular. I just wasn’t ready. I’m doing better now. I’ve seen quite a few people we know. I may have even seen people I don’t know….that know. I have no idea. Obviously people know or will, but it’s that feeling of not knowing what they will say or what I will have to say in return. And it’s not that Brent and I can’t talk about it at all. Sometimes we may even bring Cohen up. We are just perhaps guarding our emotions more right now. It’s been much easier for us to get things out on this blog versus verbally to anyone.
I’ve not gone back to work yet. I am going back in a few weeks. The thought of that is a bit dreadful as well. I do marketing. I probably visit 30-60 people per week. Will they know? I have no idea. Am I’m scared of them asking me how my baby is? Yes. Do I know how I will handle it? No. Will I get asked five times in one day? I have no idea.
My sister-in-law has gotten me out for some attempted retail therapy. Let me just tell you, there is not much you can buy clothes-wise post pregnancy. I learned that quickly. Well, I say quickly. I kept trying on, and thinking, “why won’t this fit!?”…um hello, Megan. There are LOTS of things that aren’t quite like they were 1o months ago, the last time you tried on clothes. It is taking me a bit to realize, it took 10 months to develop all these extra lovely lady lumps (and chub), they aren’t just going to go away in 4 weeks, 6 weeks, etc. I’ve had a hard time with the fact that if anything is snug, it automatically makes me looks as though I’m pregnant. That’s just the way it’s going down….the same way it came up (my tummy, formerly baby bump)..though maybe a bit quicker going down. I never thought I would say, I wish I just looked fat. I know I could get those comments on how it takes time. I TOTALLY know that, don’t worry. I don’t want you all to think I’m complaining about my body for beauty purposes. Totally not the case. Again, it’s the fear of ….what will I say. What will I say if someone asks how far along I am or when my baby is due. I know that happens all the time post pregnancy. I’ve had one person in the past few weeks insinuate I was expecting. I held my breath and tried to walk away from her as quickly as possible.
ps – Now that I can actually see all of my tummy, I did find an area of two or three stretch marks. It’s light and small, but honestly? I hope it stays. Why? It was part of my 9 months of Prego Mego with Cohen.
HOW do I thank people!?!? I have probably 1500 people I could try to contact via email, phone, thank you note, etc. Some of them I know, some of them I don’t. The Send Love to Cohen blog and facebook page seriously take my breath away. Well come to think of it, the comments I’ve gotten on here do as well. I could read comments and wall posts over and over again every day. There are thousands of people who have thought of and prayed for us, and of course, I would like to thank everyone. I hope that you all know how much we appreciate you. People are just amazing. I can never seem to express myself verbally as well as I can in writing but even then, what will I say in a thank you note? Words can’t even express. Also, many people have made donations to Cohen’s Memorial Trust. Some of the names and emails I recognize and some I don’t. It’s almost like I’d love to know each person personally simply so I could thank them from the bottom of my heart. I don’t care if the donation was $5 or $50, it will help tremendously.
When people ask about Cohen’s medical bills, because they have, what will I say? Are they a lot? Yes, very much so. We have insurance but we don’t know what percentage they are paying just yet. I can say I got round one of the insurance EOB’s in the mail in a package. Package, not envelope. There is a stack. They are what they are and they’re still coming.
What will I say when people ask me if and when we are going to try to have another baby? Because people are asking. Brent and I know what our plans are and we pray that God leads us to what His plan is. Brent and I knew what the other wanted to do without even asking. Then, of course, we talked about it. We know it’s human nature to judge. That’s the basis on an opinion. Judgment and opinions are based on what you think you would or wouldn’t do/say, etc. I’m the same way. Brent and I have not fully discussed what I will blog in detail just yet, but we do know people may have their differing opinions and pass judgment via comment. It scares me because I know how fragile we can be right now.
I know this post was in the form of a question. However, I know no one can answer these questions for me. They’ve just been on my mind and I wanted to post it. I don’t turn off comments often but I’m going to for this post. It’s not that I don’t want to hear your opinions, but I’m thinking that you, as well as I, know that you don’t know until you’re faced with it. Just like I didn’t/don’t know what I will say..until it happens. That’s life.
I will say that I know some of this won’t ever go away. I’m okay with that. These questions we will be asked, and the answers we will give, will just be part of Cohen being in our life. It’s just in a different way. Yes, it will be sad but I know it will bring happiness too.
Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.
I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.